Relatable Relationships

THIS IS THE FIRST
OF A FOUR-PART SERIES

Part 2:
The Trinity

Part 3:
Getting Out of the Box

Part 4:
The Trickle-Down Effect

Let’s be honest, relationships and marriage aren’t easy.  It’s not all roses and white picket fences out there.  In general, life happens; we lose loved ones, children, jobs, homes and love. All of it can make life stressful.  Then add to the mix the police culture we call “The Thin Blue Line,” and it appears to be a recipe for disaster. 

There is a common belief that many law enforcement marriages end in divorce.  Many consider it only a matter of time before problems occur within relationships. Those problems usually end in a nasty divorce or separation; squabbling over kids and child support payments, and kids not talking to their parents once they move out of the house.

It is personified in just about every nighttime television drama about cops. Such as the disheveled detective coming home late at night smelling of alcohol arguing with a waiting spouse, or the street cop who argues with their ex-spouse about not being able to take the kids that weekend because of mandatory overtime. On the other hand, maybe it shows the dad who tries reconciling with his adult children to no avail.  In fact, looking back on it, I can’t remember a television show (minus the Andy Griffith Show) where the cop wasn’t single (either very promiscuous or in very risky relationships), divorced, or the officer and spouse were miserable only staying together “for the kids.” Or perhaps, a retired cop who shows up on his kids door step nearing the end of his life wishing to make things right. 

There are a several reasons that drive this belief.  In private, family courtroom settings, or on the phone with best friends or parents, discussions of relationship problems include complaints of uncertain hours, shift work, last minute call-outs, not being home for birthdays, holidays and important events. Stress mounts when explaining to the kids why mommy or daddy is not there to tuck them in. Distant spouses come home after a long day, locking themselves away in their own minds. The cop is always on edge, hyper-vigilant, moody, angry, depressed, drinking heavily or asleep when they are home. The family is living with the fear that the next time their spouse, significant other, mother or father walk out the front door to start their shift could be the last time they ever see them.

Essentially, these can be broken down into, what I call, “the trinity:”

• Stress of the job,

• Uncertainty of the job, and

• Loss of communication. 

These three affect more than our intimate relationships but our relationships with our kids as well.

We talk about a term, a mantra if you will, with the recruits during the wellness block of instruction that we, in the Post-Critical Incident Section, give during their 20 weeks of basic training at the Department of Criminal Justice Training. “If it’s predictable, it’s preventable”. 

For too long, the law enforcement community has sat back and not openly discussed relationship and marriage issues. Then, when one of our co-workers or ourselves are found in a lost relationship, we say, “Well, it was bound to happen,” or “Welcome to the club.”  That will no longer suffice.  It is taught from day one at the academy to survive the encounter, and we are given the skills to do that.  Why aren’t we incorporating those skills and learning new ones for our relationships to survive?

In the coming installments, I am looking to dive deeper into “the trinity”, the pitfalls, and the coulda, shoulda, woulda’s.  Ultimately, I want to discuss information on how to make our relationships, not just with our spouses or significant others, but also with our kids survive. This is the hard stuff no one wants to talk about, so I’m not going to pull punches, just as I wouldn’t in the class room.  After all, our relationships with our spouses, our significant others and our kids are on the line.