The Trickle-Down Effect

By Blaine Gillingham
Son of DOCJT Instructor Gabriel Gillingham

THIS IS THE FOURTH
OF A FOUR-PART SERIES

Part 1:
Relatable Relationships

Part 2:
The Trinity

Part 3:
Getting Out of the Box

Being a child has its ups and downs. However, having a parent who has a demanding job makes not only being a child hard, but also being a family difficult and can lead to problems.

My father was, and at heart still is, a cop. I can say that it was a fulfilling career for him and was what he was meant to do. While I can’t speak for him when it comes to his experiences or the decisions he had to make during his career, I have been asked several times what it was like to be the son of a cop. Until now, I never thought of it. It was a way of life for me. I just knew my dad was a cop and that he was either sleeping when I was awake, or he was at work. His days off usually included doing nothing and spending time with our family. The younger I was, the simpler this seemed to be.

In his four-part series, Department of Criminal Justice Training Instructor Gabriel Gillingham; my father, discusses what he calls the “Trinity,” these being the big three reasons why there seem to be problems with an officer and their family. As he said, “this is hard stuff no one wants to talk about.” The trinity does not just apply to the officer; it applies to their families as well. Those three reasons are:

• Stress of the job

• Uncertainty of the job

• Loss of communication

Stress of the Job

Stress is a four-way street for many people. Some love it while others hate it. Some chase after it as motivation while others run from it. As I said previously, when I was younger, I had no concept of the job.

All I knew was that my father went to work and caught bad people then came home. There was not a single ounce of stress in my body. However, as I became older and more aware of his job, that changed.

Any first responder job, including dispatch, is a high-stress profession. It seemed like every week another officer was injured or killed in the line of duty. I sometimes dreaded seeing my father leave for another 8- to 12-hour shift just having that thought lingering in the back of my head. I was always on edge when my mother got phone calls.

As a result, I put a lot of stress on myself. I wanted to be strong for my father to show my sisters that it was ok. I highly believed in my father’s ability as an officer, and I knew he had what it took but the worst scenario always stayed in the back of my head.

The stress ties into everyday life and even makes its way into family events. Going out to dinner or movies was stressful. I would wait for the call that my father had to go due to an incident, and his department needed him. Days off provided a sense of relief, but only for that day. I could tell that my mother was stressed every day, all day. She did well with hiding it and reassuring us things would be ok.

The stress was something that never went away, I found that it helped to trust in my father’s abilities, and that he would be alright. That’s what made me feel safe; I knew he knew what he was doing.  

Uncertainty of the Job

Law enforcement is uncertain. Would my father get a call at 2 a.m. that he was needed when he just got home after working a 2 p.m. to 10 p.m. shift? Would my father be able to keep up and keep working or would he have to find a new job? Would he be calm when he came home, or would he be stressed out and irritated?

Nothing was set in stone. It affects family interactions as well as one-on-one interactions. I used to wonder if my father would have the time or have the day off that he requested months prior. This was not a huge problem in my situation as my father tried his best to keep his interactions with the family when he could. But I do remember times when he could not promise to be off work.

I never saw this as a negative as I knew it was his job. He took an oath. However, shift changes were dreadful. The uncertainty of when a shift change would happen is what was negative.  I would be so used to having my father gone before I woke up for school and see him coming home around dinnertime.

As a child, I would integrate that into my own schedule, and it would become part of my everyday life. Suddenly, my father’s shift would change from a 7 a.m. to 5 p.m. shift to a 2 p.m. to 10 p.m. or even completely switching to a night shift. It made interacting with each other extremely hard. If he were working a 2 p.m. to 10 p.m., I would only see him in the morning before school and would not see him until the next day. I still supported him no matter what, and he made it a priority to try to spend any free time he had with us.

Loss of Communication

Communication makes our world function. I am sure many of you have seen the stereotypical parent/child of law enforcement families. Typically, the law enforcement parent has very little understanding of their child and vise-versa. Stereotypes are only half-truths and this is not the case in many situations. However, there are times where this stereotype does come up.

There would be times my father would come home, be completely drained, and not talk for most of the evening. I knew he was happy to be at home again, but I could tell he was exhausted from having to work 40-plus hours a week in a job that depends heavily on communication. I knew there were other things on his mind as well, and I knew that mentally he was there, but also not fully there at the same time.

To this day, I have never really asked what my father has seen and been through while working as a cop. Traits like this impact children as well. I have a hard time communicating with people. I believe that after seeing my father doing the same for so long, I adopted this as I saw it as what you should do as a man to make sure others do not worry about you. I knew that he mainly did not share what happened at work so he wouldn’t worry my mother, my siblings or myself. However, I knew he needed to have a break. As I said earlier, law enforcement is a demanding job, and I was happy just knowing my father came home at the end of his shift.

What does it feel like?

There is a huge sense of responsibility being the son of a cop. There are certain expectations that others place on you when they know your father is an officer, such as anticipating you’ll be a cop as well. I let this label travel with me for most of my youth. All my friends knew my father was a cop. It’s hard to hide when there is a cruiser in the driveway.

I was never embarrassed to tell people that my father was a cop. I was never embarrassed. If my friends could talk about their fathers being in the military or in various trades then why should I be embarrassed? I was proud that my father was a cop and showed it. However, as you grow older, you realize that accepting that label is what makes your choices harder.

When I was ready for high school, the county I lived in offered several different academies that would focus around certain fields of work that you would be able to take courses on. The school I was already zoned for was the criminal justice academy, and this led to several problems.

At this point in my life, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I wanted to do something different and creative but, at the same time, I did not want to let my family and friends down by not applying to this academy. I just wanted a simple high school life. I was still growing up (and still am).

However, due to pressure, I decided that I would make criminal justice my high school elective. It still made me somewhat apart of the academy but not fully. My first year of high school went great and the criminal justice course I took was easy and basic. I did so well in the course that I was asked to join the academy. I had to say no. It was not for me. I realized that I did not want to live in my father’s shoes as it was not who I was.

The added pressure that those around you add, and the pressure you add on top to yourself, is in no way healthy. My father said he was proud that I chose the right path for me and not the wrong one. Children of law enforcement experience this a lot. They want to push themselves and make themselves a cop that their parent and family will be proud of. Short term, it seems logical. Long term, it proves to bring trouble.

Finally, being a child of law enforcement brings with it a sense of negativity. Society has problems. I do believe that there are “bad apples” within police departments and that there have been corrupt cops before and to this day. However, the media and society see this and assume the worst of all law enforcement officers.

Because of this, I did experience instances where people would not be my friend due to my father’s profession. Of course, I would never ask why they did not like my father, but I could tell why. I have had no problems with being a child of a cop, and I do not see this as a negative as I was raised to not let others and their opinions bring me down. But I do understand where some children of officers are negatively impacted by this.

Overall, being the child of a cop is an experience. I have never had a moment in my life where I hated that my father was out on the streets every day doing his job. I knew that it was what he loves and was meant to do, and I would never want to take that away from him. He worked to not only provide for his family but also to serve his community and protect the public, a task many cannot be trusted with.

Yes, there are instances I wish I could have had more time with my father growing up and had been able to talk to him more, but I believe that’s what this time is for now that he is at DOCJT. He can finally relax and catch up with my sisters and me.

Only you can make the experience positive or negative. Just because your parent is gone a lot due to work does not mean they do not care or do not love you. If anything, they are doing this for you, because of you.