Getting Out of the Box

THIS IS THE THIRD
OF A FOUR-PART SERIES

Part 1:
Relatable Relationships

Part 2:
The Trinity

Part 4:
The Trickle-Down Effect

We’ve talked about “the Trinity,” the three big-ticket items that can lead to problems within our relationships with our spouses or significant others and our children. But where do we go from here? How do we work our way through the pitfalls? 

It can seem like a very daunting task.  However, it’s not. You, your spouse and your children are not the first to have to figure this out. Unfortunately, you won’t be last either.

I will tell you it takes a concerted effort. It’s an ever-evolving process. Just as we adapt to what is laid before us at work, we need to take that adaptability home. The members of our family adjust and grow, and so should we.

Working Through Stress

How do we work through stress? The first step is acknowledging and accepting that each party can be overly stressed at times. Too often, we get wound up and can quickly point fingers.  We end up reacting with emotion instead of responding with thought. Accept that when your spouse is behaving poorly, it probably has nothing to do with you whatsoever. 

What I don’t want to be misconstrued is that you should accept poor behavior. Never do that. Your relationship and you as individuals are more valuable than that. What I’m talking about is accepting something else is going on. Accept that they may be having a hard time, and they don’t know how to put it into words, or that they may not even know what they are feeling. They may be doing things and behaving in ways that make you feel as though you’re not adding up as a companion. More than likely, this is not the case. 

For years my wife and I would get in little arguments because the second I would get home, before even changing sometimes, I would start picking up the kids’ toys, vacuuming the floors and just flying all over the house doing x, y and z. We would end up in an argument because my wife felt as though I was saying something about how she tended the house while I was gone.  For years, I would react with “I’m not saying that honey.” Then it would be an onslaught of reactions through emotions, and the argument and finger pointing would occur. It wasn’t until years later that I realized that it had nothing to do with home life or my wife and could put it to words. I spent the majority of my day at work living in chaos, dealing with situations that were beyond my control. However, when I got home, the one thing I could control was how neat and tidy the floors were in my house. The difference now is that I’ve communicated that to her, and it has saved us several arguments.

Letting Go of the Reins

Which brings me to learning to let go of the reigns. This is probably the hardest thing any of us can do and, begrudgingly, I admit I need to be reminded of this daily.

Control brings so much undue stress on us, not just from a professional standpoint, but a personal one as well. We are taught several things during our time in the police academy. There is a common thread through all of it: control. 

We are taught we need to control the scene, control the people and control what resources are coming in. Sometimes, that perception of control bleeds into our personal lives. On the flip side of this is the loss of control or the realization that we do not control as much as we think we do. 

When we talk about critical incident aftercare with recruits, we bring up topics like line of duty deaths, infant fatalities and vehicle fatalities. The common distressing thread is the feeling of a loss of control or the realization that they never had control over stopping that incident from occurring.

I read a series of books by Mark Owen who recounted the exploits of Robert O’Neil, a Navy Seal Operator who killed Bin Laden that fateful day in May 2011. In these books, O’Neil discusses his evolution of not only becoming a Navy Seal Operator, but also making his way onto Seal Team 6. He discussed a training mission in the Sierra Nevada Mountain Range that involved climbing a huge rock face. It was there he learned the true measure of control. He learned here that the only thing we truly control are our actions and how we respond to what is laid before us. He equated it with looking at what was within his reach—a footing ledge and a hand hold. He placed himself in a three-foot box. If it was outside of that box, he didn’t worry about it. He didn’t try and control the mountain. He only tried to control his next movement, until he made it to the summit. Ultimately, the only thing we control is our actions, reactions and responses.

Next is understanding. I find it helpful to understand the differences in people. This is a concept I hadn’t heard of until about two years ago when my wife and I attended the Kentucky Post-Critical Incident Seminar (KYPCIS). The presenter, Kelli Robinson, perfectly described a concept from a book by Bill and Pam Farrel called “Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti.” Men, typically, think in terms of boxes like the little ones you would find in a waffle. Now, we can concentrate on anything that’s within the box we are in, but we don’t let boxes co-mingle, and we certainly can’t bounce from box to box without packing up and closing the previous box. Whereas, women typically think in terms of a jumbled spaghetti with their thoughts intertwining and overlapping with several ends and beginnings, but they always know exactly where they are at in the process. This is why it appears women are so much better at multi-tasking then men are.

For officers, how many of you have arrived home and felt overwhelmed entirely because your family wanted to engage with you the second you walked in the door? For family members, how many of you felt completely shut down and shut out by your officer because they were short with you and just walked off into the bedroom and closed the door? Waffles and spaghetti. 

Your first responder needs a few minutes to make sure everything from their “work box” is in the box it needs to be in so they can close it up and open their “I’m at home box.” I can tell you, I wish I had figured that out several years ago. I can also tell you, that it works and it has led to more meaningful conversations between my wife and me because I am able to be present in the conversation instead of packing up other boxes. 

I get home from work, she’s been waiting all day to tell me about things that have happened to her, the conversations she’s had, and what the kids did. I walk in the door, she will ask how work was, I’ll respond and ask how her day was, and I can see the onslaught of information about to come my way. Instead of being overwhelmed and shutting down, I put my hand up, point to myself and say “waffle.” We both giggle, and I’ll go in the bedroom for a few minutes, change, pack up my “work box,” unpack my “I’m at home box,” and then I return to her and say, “Lay it on me.”  

Recharging

A part of understanding is comprehending how we recharge as individuals. My wife is an extrovert; she can make friends with and talk to anyone. She is switched “ON” all the time. She recharges herself by making a connection with people, and I envy that in her. Whereas I am what I consider a reserved extrovert with introvert tendencies. I can be very extroverted when the time and place call for it, but it drains me very quickly. I recharge in an introverted and disconnected manner. Reading a book, sitting in my office at home looking over lesson plans or writing articles. Understanding those needs help us accommodate those in our relationships without placing strain on ourselves. It is important to understand the process by which each other thinks and recharges in order for us to be present for each other. Acceptance and understanding will help mitigate much of the stress and strain that can be placed on law enforcement relationships.

Working Through Uncertainty of the Job

So how do we work through the uncertainty of the job?  Unfortunately, this is going to be more difficult. Policing is a 24/7, 365 days a year service. However, there are a few things you can do to provide normalcy within your lives.

When you are at work, use today’s technology. If you’re working nights and aren’t able to be there for dinner or to tuck your kids into bed, try using FaceTime to have that interaction and make that connection with your kids. I know, I get it, during evening shifts there’s a lot going on and a lot of us are running call to call, but just a quick 30-second FaceTime call at some point in the evening goes along way. Younger kids love being able to see your face, and the older kids feel as though they’ve touched home base.  

Use the uncertainty to establish jobs and tasks within the family. Previously, I brought up about being out to dinner with the family and being called into work. Use that as an opportunity to establish normalcy in uncertain situations. Part of the stress that is felt from uncertainty is not knowing what to do. Develop code words to use with your family when you are out to dinner and get called away last minute. What I mean by that is if you get called by work, and you have to go in, look at your family and say the code word. That way, each member knows what is about to happen and that each of them plays an important role in helping. Now, instead of everyone being upset, they have a task and know what is going on. For instance, your spouse could be responsible for ensuring the bill is paid. Your oldest child could be tasked with making sure everyone has their coat. However, you want to do it, get creative with it.

Most importantly, when you are off, be off. In reality, about 80 to 90% of what we deal with on our days off (minus being the on-call investigator) can wait until we return to work. The thing we tend to forget in police work is that things were happening in communities that required a police response 20 years ago. Twenty years after we retire, guess what? Communities will have things happen that will require a police response. Whether we are there for the ride or not, that bus is going to keep rolling. It’s perfectly okay to not think about policing when you are off. It’s highly encouraged. We want you to keep your sense of identity and not lose who you are as a person. When we lose our identity, we lose so much more after that.

Communication

Lastly, and most importantly, is communication. Communication is something that does not come naturally to some of us. Some, like my wife, are natural communicators. It is something I have to make a conscious effort to do and still have to be reminded about. Remember, I recharge being in my head. My wife needs to talk and make connections to recharge. We understand that about each other, and it has made our communication easier in regards to addressing our needs.

Communication is critical and taking acceptance and understanding in to your relationships will help when, how and what we communicate. It will lead to open and honest communication about what is bothering you and what stressors you deal with while at work. Communicate how much you, as the spouse, are willing to hear about what your officer has encountered during the day and how much you, as the officer, are willing to share. Ultimately, it takes daily effort on everyone’s part for relationships to be successful.